It's official. Now that the State of Connecticut has lobbed another east coast "TAKE THAT!" to the west, the finally volley in the game of gay marriage pingpong will most certainly result in the end of society as we know it. If it doesn't, our descent into Marxist Socialism and Unfettered Terrorism will be all but guaranteed with the inauguration of That One as our 44th President of the United States.
Immediately following Wednesday's announcement by the State of Connecticut that gays would be allowed to marry inside its borders, every heterosexual marriage in the state instantly dissolved into divorce, with the exception of those who had fled to California, where the recently-passed Proposition 8 formed a Jesus Shield around their sacred, religious unions.
"I had been married to Timothy for 42 years, but within seconds of the first couple of gays getting married, our marriage certificate burst into flames and our family was ruined" cried Elys Ilynn of Stamford. "Now my son has a life partner and my daughter ran off to join something called a Lillith Fair."
Further complicating things was the immediate influx of over three million California gays and lesbians who are seeking refuge in the states of Connecticut and Massachussetts.
Patty Hampton of South Boston wondered what the impact of so many new gays would be. "We already have 741 hair salons in the greater Boston area - what the hell are we supposed to do with all these relationship-wanting gay stylists?" Thinking for a moment, she then added "Well, they are superficial beyond belief, so they will probably spend way more on their Satan weddings than normal people would." She then showed off her $18 ring that her husband, who was unavailable for comment due to his current incarceration, presented her on their wedding day.
President-Elect Obama, meanwhile, ignored cries from citizens of both states as he remains far too busy plotting the social revolution set to start on January 20th, 2009.
"Let's face it - gays make lots of money, and they have zero deductions for children, so they'll get theirs soon enough. In the meantime, I will maintain my campaign position - if gays want to be as miserable as most heterosexual married couples are, I am completely comfortable delegating the spreading of marital misery to the states."