Real housewives of Orange County and counties across the country, jealous of the passage of Proposition 8 in California, have written Proposition 9, which they hope will ban all other types of marriage.
"I've been married since I was 19 years old and my family would kill me if I ever filed for divorce" cried Ellen Silverman. "If the good people of California will stop discriminating against heterosexuals and ban my marriage, too, I will both get out of a bad marriage and maintain my family relationships."
David Gallegos, 39, agreed. "My wife is a royal bitch, and I'm tired of subjecting myself to hellish misery 'for the kids'. I haven't gotten laid since 1994. PLEASE, ban my marriage!"
California churches are scrambling to both fight the angry gays who are incensed at the invalidation of their relationships AND the heterosexuals who, rabid with jealousy, demand equal discrimination under the law.
"Suffice it to say, this is not exactly the outcome we had hoped for," said Bishop Nathan Erickson of the San Diego Diocese. "I came to work expecting a horde of angry gays to have shown up aside from the standard clergy abuse crowd, but now there are more people outside pissed off than inside worshipping."
Hollywood celebrities were quick to enter the fray in an attempt to remind heterosexuals that marriage was not only an institution worth saving, but one that was easily abandoned and in no need of a widespread ban.
"I have been married twice, been kept a drugged woman and gone insane on stage, and I'm only 26 y'all!" beamed Britney Spears, appearing in a joint PSA with Sharon Stone, who added "Not only was my divorce quick and easy, I just had to act like a lunatic bitch and stalker and they took my kid, too!"
Officials at the Mormon Church were flummoxed, and while they quickly dismissed the PSA, they admitted off the record that they faced a conundrum.
"We thought we'd finally achieved our goals, but this is just.. wow."
Proponents of the proposition said that within a few hours of the initiative gaining publicity, they had 31 times the number of signatures needed to put it to a popular vote. Opponents - all 24 of them - promise a spirited and vigorous fight.