Lincoln, Nebraska conservative and locally-renowned nutjob Erik Andrews, 47, has vowed to do what every conservative news pundit, presidential candidate and Alaskan Governor has tried but failed to accomplish: make a significant portion of Americans care about William Ayers.
Andrews is unswayed by overwhelming polling evidence, actual evidence and/or election results that show Americans either don't believe in or don't care about the connection he so vividly fears.
"I really don't understand why people aren't shitting themselves over this - Ayers is going to help Obama terrorize our country and kill innocent Americans. HOW IS THAT NOT IMPORTANT!?" exclaimed Andrews, a part-time general contractor who has been out of work since the housing market in Lincoln plummeted in 2007.
Andrews has gone so far as to travel to Ayers hometown of Chicago, where, armed with a camera, recording devices and several Thomas Guides, he works tirelessly with a group of fellow devotees to capture a clandestine meeting between Ayers and Obama, a meeting that most Americans don't give a shit about nor believe will happen.
Leading a meeting of fellow conspiracy theorists, Andrews shared the latest intelligence on the Obama-Ayers front. "Just yesterday I saw Ayers leaving this Starbucks by Chicago University, and he was in there a LONG time. At the same time, a buddy of mine said Obama stopped for an extended break and a skinny latte at the Starbucks near his transition offices on Michigan Avenue." Sensing that even the most devout conspiracy theorists were not seeing any connection, he became excited and continued "Starbucks. STARBUCKS. Where is Starbucks headquartered? Seattle. What happened in Seattle? The WTO riots! 'W' is the first letter of WILLIAM, 'T' is the first letter of TERRORIST, 'O' is the first letter of OBAMA!"
Basking in the glow of this new nugget of iron-clad proof, both Andrews and his fellow theorists were newly energized and ready to return to their computers and blogs to spread the word to an ambivalent populace.
The interview with Andrews was abruptly cut short when he leapt from the group of chairs and out the door in pursuit of a hot lead. Shea Tiggs, an Andrews follower, explained "Oh, I think he's going after that one guy that Ayers was spotted 'bumping into' last night after returning from dinner and carrying a mysterious bag. He thinks we'll believe that it was leftovers from dinner, but obviously it was some kind of terrorist plan that he got from the Korean restaurant he'd eaten at that night." Tiggs paused, then added "Probably a NORTH Korean restaurant, but obviously they're not going to admit to that. Don't worry, though - we're on it."